You know you are 38-weeks pregnant when…

You know you are 38-weeks pregnant when…


– You no longer wear your wedding ring because your fingers are so swollen. (So when I run errands, not only do I have swollen hands, I feel like I look like a woman of loose morals.)
– You are down to one pair of shoes that don’t hurt your swollen feet anymore.
– Your legs are almost always half-shaven because you cannot reach or see anymore.
– You sleep with minimum 11 pillows.
– When exiting your car or bed, you literally fall out. Then wait a few seconds until your back stops hurting to start moving again.
– You get out of breath doing anything. (I feel like a 99-year-old grandma with a big beer belly.)
– You are so tired that that around 10am, you just want to crawl down on your cold, dirty kitchen floor and take a delicious nap.
– You can barely eat anything because your stomach is so squished. (Why yes, I would like three bites of my $15 entrée.)
– The pool is your best friend. You float around on a noodle like a weightless mammoth whale, feeling cool and lightweight – almost like you are no longer pregnant. Until it’s time to exit the pool. Then, my friends, I feel like every in-shape, non-pregnant person is gawking at my sheer mass as I exit. I drag my sopping wet pregnant self up out of the water, either by ladder or by steps, and feel like the pool water goes down by three feet because of the displaced water by the large pregnant lady.
– You never have to ask for assistance carrying bags out at the grocery store. They always offer.
– Maternity dresses no longer look cute. (That circus tent analogy is a good one). You either opt for tight-fitting clothes or wear a loose dress and let the stranger’s mind think you should be the next contestant on The Biggest Loser.
– When attempting to sit down in a chair, you lay your hand down behind you to feel for the chair and then slowly fall into the seat, since you have no ab control or support anymore. You NEVER choose a low chair because there is no way you are getting out of that sucker once you fall in.
– When your large toddler asks for you to hold them, you tell them, “Not until after the baby is born.” (THAT KILLS ME!!!!!)
– You terrify strangers when running errands because the baby is big and strong now, so when it moves suddenly and violently inside of you, you literally stop, gasp and hold your stomach with wide eyes. I’m telling you, at my crowded Costco when that happens, EVERYONE stops shopping and asks, “Are you ok?!?!?!” I try to nonchalantly flip my hair back, like a plus-sized blonde beauty queen, followed by an awkward fake laugh, “Ha, ha – I’m FINE. No problem. The baby just moved a little bit.” And then I try to saunter-waddle off with pride. (AWKWAAAAAARD!)
– Every time you accidentally drop something on the floor, a terrible word pops in your head. Then you either MAKE your five-year-old or two-year-old pick it up for you, OR ELSE. Or, if home alone, you stare at the object for a long time thinking, “Do I REALLY need that?”
– If you DO decide to reach down to pick something up, you swivel around to pick up any other items in arms length, because you are NOT planning to bend down to pick anything else up for a very long time.
– You both look forward to and abhor your weekly OBGYN check-ups, where they literally CHECK you each week for progress. “Oh, yes! Tomorrow is my appointment where they stick that latex glove up me! CANNOT WAIT! Wanna do lunch afterwards, husband?”
– It takes three full minutes, when laying in bed at night, to roll over from your right side to your left side. And as soon as you finally are laying on one side, and rearrange all the pillows, your back starts hurting again. So you start the rolling process all over again to the other side. All. Night. Long. (I often feel in the dark for Dave’s hand to grab and pull to start the roll back over towards him. Let me tell you, at moments like those, I feel like one hot, sexy wife. “Hi Honey. Please give me your hand because I literally weigh so much I cannot roll over in bed by myself.”)
– You feel like a bride that doesn’t know her wedding day, but wakes up each day wondering, “IS TODAY THE DAY?”


And, at 38-weeks pregnant, you get to have fun experiences like this:


“Y’all. It pays to be 38-weeks pregnant.
Tonight Dave and I arrived at the movies for a date night, since my kind parents took the kids overnight. But when we arrived to purchase tickets, the attendant regretfully informed us that all the seats were reserved, except for a couple of single seats on the very front row that were not connected. They showed us the remaining seats on the screen and Dave noticed the handicap chairs – the best seats in the house. “So,” he asked. “What about my wife being two weeks out from her due date?” I patted the top of my big pregnant belly, with raised eyebrows at the attendant, “I mean, I could go into labor at any moment.”
“No problem, ma’am. You have a valid point.”
Guess where we are sitting? (Note handicap sign behind us.)”


Want more stories like this? Pre-order my new book Stop and Smell Your Children: Laugh and Enjoy the Little Years now on Amazon here or on my site here.


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